There are moments when I can see clear through to Heaven

And I have the ridiculousness of my mother to thank for that. Often she says things that lead me to just shake my head and whisper to myself "I. . just. . . can NOT with you right now. . ."

 But then I do listen and I hear her and I think oh. Well I know Jesus and he has brought this chaos right into my lap so that I can deal with all manner of foolywang out there in these hear streets.

Some of her better quotes include:

"You know the reason you are sick is probably because of your lifestyle" [ read: gayness gave me lupus]

"You have ruined all of your father and my hopes and dreams" 

"Your brother can't understand how you are living." [read: I'm projecting my confusion on to your brother]

"I'm not going to your wedding" [I'm not dating anyone. I have not sent out any invitations. I don't know what wedding she is referring to]

"I should have sent you to public school. Then you would have been exposed to more boys" [I went to co-ed schools all my life]

and my personal all time favorite

"We just want to know where we went wrong" <--- there isn't enough therapy in the WORLD. You would make that Jesus Lion from the Chronicles of Narnia loose his cool and tell you to have SEVERAL seats ma'am. Just peer over his reading classes from beyond the wall of water and tell you to go lay your burdens DOWN.

There is a BRILLIANT scene from one of my favorite movies; titled "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. I reference it often. I reference it because it is timely and timeless. I speaks about the burden of the older generations hopes and dreams on the reality of their childrens' realities.  The want the best for their progeny. They have worked their whole lives to make sure their kids are healthy and happy and have the best life has to offer but the problem is all of the "best" they envision is the best their minds could fathom. 

I love my parents. Fiercely. My mother is my biggest advocate and she is my most ardent cheerleader. She is strong willed and generous. She believes in me more than anyone and she is richly devoted to helping me achieve my goals. However my mother is human. . . .huh. When did that happen? It happened the day I was born and it has been happening my entire life.  Every so often she just shows up out of the blue with some weird anti-gay rhetoric and I refute with LOGIC and she just shuts down. Then she ignores the entire situation for a bit and a few weeks later brings it up again. 

My father frequently gives me the "How the fuck did I get here look". Sometimes I think he really does not like me. I mean I love me. I think I'm a damn riot and a half. But he just. . . RARELY amused. 

The situation is a weird one. I find my attitude statements more annoying than hurtful. I find their comments more tedious than backwards. I look at them with something more respectable than pity but I don't think that their opinions hold any true weight. She will deal with it or she won't. She has taught me the true meaning of patience and humility. She has taught me how to deal with difference and ignorance. I am in the middle of a life long romance with myself and my mother can't get in the middle of that. My mother helps me figure out who I am because in talking to her I am more and more certain of who I am not. 

I am not weak. I am not confused. I will not change my core being. I am who I was meant to be and this path will lead me to my own rightness. I have found a way to deal with chaos and conflict and in navigating those trying waters I have started to make a cloak of peace that I can wear in all seasons.