In honor of the DVD release

Why anyone would want to own this movie is BEYOND me. The movie is graphic and traumatic. It depicts an impossible situation that makes me want to crawl into a hole and eternal sunshine myself. Saphire has said that in writing the character Precious she compiled several of the experiences of many girls she encountered while teaching in Harlem. When she first started writing the book she envisioned it as a compilation of several stories. Upon reflection she ultimately decided to compile all of the characters into one girl who’s operatic greek tragedy worth makes her a more than worthy heroine. In her own words Saphire says, "I wanted to show that this girl is locked out through literacy. She's locked out by her physical appearance. She's locked out by her class, and she's locked out by her color," says Sapphire. "I encountered this. I had a student who told me that she had had children by her father." At that point I would go ahead and admit I'm a coward. I'd thrown in the towel move to L.A. and live like a hobo on the beach.

Precious is large. I mean just fat. . . like orca fat. She is bigger than life. She is eggplant black. She is soft spoken and reserved and introverted. . . excluding the occasional (and often warranted) violent outburst. Her soul is hard as nails and even as I gave thanks for her uncompromising spirit I worried about a soul buried deep in heavy armor. . . Precious survives for a reason I still cannot comprehend. Despite her sweetness and potential I found myself praying that she would not wake up each morning and have to contend with the Shepard of satan who masqueraded as her mother. ISSUE ONE –ABUSE and how Precious is failed over and over and over.

ISSUE ONE

Precious is sexually and physically abused by both her parents. Her mother forces her to overeat and verbally abuses her in a manner that is so consistent it almost becomes normal. In the rare moments when the apartment is silent the air is so charged with what Mary might do it’s almost difficult to breathe. The rape scenes (acts perpetrated by both her father and mother) are stomach churning. Her father is big, and sweaty, and hairy, and uses a Vaseline tub littered with pubic hair to streamline the rape of his daughter. Vom. It.

I’m almost unable to deal with the parts of the movie that go so far beyond sadness I had no choice but to laugh. Precious has her first daughter at the age of 12 and names her Mongo. She says “Doctors told me my baby had Mongoloid Down Sinder, so I name her Mongo ‘cause it sounds like it might be Spanish and it’s pretty”. . .all through the movie she regrets the fact that Mongo is raised by Mary’s mother (Precious’ grandmother). She is constantly thinking about Mongo and how she misses her and wants to take care of her like a good mother should. I can barely muster up the strength to be angry at an illiterate abused 12 year old naming her child after the disability/condition that afflicts it. If the nurse at the hospital didn’t pick up on the fact that Precious’ father and baby’s father is the same she is an asshole. The social worker that comes to the house to check on Mary and her children missed it. Precious’ teachers missed it. Her case missed it until . . .Precious accidentally mentioned the “two babies her father gave her”. I’m unimpressed with us all.

ISSUE TWO--humanity

Mary is vile and disgusting and I’m almost convinced that her portrayal and potential real life basis would persuade an atheist to abandon non-belief and pray there is a hell to keep Mary toasty for an eternity. Mary is wretched. Mary looks like she smells bad and if herpes had a face it would look like hers. She is a bully. Mary is pathetic and sad and blames Precious for the incest lamenting that “Precious never fought back or made any noise and she made her father want her more than me”. I think that what hurts me the most about this movie is the fact that Mary eventually shows a multidimensional humanity. I’m not using that word in its altruistic sense. I mean humanity as that which makes us human I mean those flaws that distinguish us from the divine (whatever it may be) and that which we wear on our sleeves, and around our necks, and leave in the depths of our footsteps. Mary gives glimpses of a damaged past accented with flashes of intense selfishness, ptsd, gross mental instability, and self hatred. She is clearly insane and aside from crackheads and clowns. . .crazy people scare me the MOST. I was dying to see Mary as a 2 dimensional villain a la the machines in the Terminator franchise, Number 1 from Afro Samurai, or Glory or the Preacher from Buffy. . . . but I couldn’t. Mary was a failure too and I hated myself for feeling sorry for her evil ass.

ISSUE THREE—gays

The two people who carry Precious to the caravan of change are dykes. Her teacher at the alternative school is the person who helps Precious find the strength to leave her mother and fight for her son. This same teacher –named Blu--- also helps Precious practically by locating appropriate housing for Precious and her son. Blu and her partner let Precious stay with them until she can move into her halfway house. Go. Lesbos.

Sub issue 3.5--

The movie deals with the fact that most straight black people feel superior to gay black people. Mary says that homosexuals are deviants and are going to hell. . .right well if anyone knows about hell it's Mary. . There is also a strong messagethat light people are more beautiful and all around more preferable than dark people. It's hard to find the appropriate stance. I fight with the urge to show a militant preference for dark skin over light skin simply to make up for the way Eurpean/American society treats dark skinned people but then I'm just perpetuating the arbitrary stereotypes I seek to fight. * sigh * I'm already tired just thinking about it.

ISSUE FOUR --- a woman’s job/place/duty

Mary does whatever she has to to keep her man. Including letting him abuse her daughter and violate her body/mind. Then she gets angry at Precious for “stealing her man”. Anger. Rage. Ignorance. I was almost blinded by it. The idea that you have to loose yourself for the sake of companionship terrifies and saddens me. This is the dark side of romantic obsession and crippling insane blind co-dependence

ISSUE FIVE ---moral compass

I’ve often heard people say “well I believe that criminal had to know that what he did was wrong and so he’s a bad person for doing it”. . .Precious as a movie makes me question the kind of right and wrong mentality that is anchored in black and white surety. More accurately most people grasp the idea of legal or illegal. They know that illegal things will get them locked up if they are caught but truthfully a moral compass is learned we are not born with it. . . or maybe we are born with the mechanics of the compass but outside influence and environment point it in the right direction.

If you grow up in a house where you are abused and ignored and torn down and defeated from birth you may not have a fully working compass. You may be a bad person but you were never given the tools achieve goodness. We as a society fail children like Precious and then we as a society have no sympathy when Precious fails us. When these lost children steal or lie or cheat or kill or hurt we are indignant and righteous in our repudiation. However, when these children are beaten and torn we are nowhere to be found. . .conveniently blind to what goes on behind close doors and perfectly comfortable pretending that we are more civilized than not. . .

Of course I'm not saying all people that behave badly are victims of abuse. Some people are in fact just assholes. But a lot of people are shaped by the monsters who raise them. The dark (dare I say black) beauty of this story/movie is that Precious is not a monster. She does have a good moral compass. She is an exception that defies all logic. While I love her and I am proud of her sucess I am also terrified that the message will once again become--- It doesn't matter how you grow up you can be a good person--- that marginalizes all the children who weren't as strong as Precious but need just as much support and compassion. Precious was an amazing film and now I'm sitting here remembering the horror wondering what I need to do to make this icky feeling go away . . .

I wish there was more I could say. But we never did too much talking anyway.

DIVORCE CAKES ARE IN FACT HILARIOUS. I understand that we sometimes laugh to keep from crying and this is probably a really immature and Gatsby way of dealing with a really traumatic situation . . .but damnit I love it anyways!

The Lady of the lake

They say the lady of the lake
Has not been seen since the magic sword
Was returned upon King Arthur’s death
She felt his absence
A loss that rang like silent thunder
struck like black lighting
and gave her heart too much empty energy
They say she just stopped breaking
Through the frothy surface of her watery home
And never again felt the mist upon her face
Then again many of them don’t believe she ever
Really existed
And they speak of her in passing whispers
That make me wonder what kind of hurt
Could turn a god into a memory
What kind of heartache
Could make a woman abandon status
And divitiy
And fall so deep she fades to legend

This is the question that followed me
Light and temping for years
Like a malady one has learned to work around
It was a limp I hid
I blind spot I worked around
Taste buds that never worked
Until one day
Like a myth and a tale
She appeared out of the crowd
And I mis-remembered my maladies
Walking tall, seeing clearly, tasting newness
She was forever like the end of a fairytale
An ever after kind of beauty
That I’d almost believed I had imagined
And in a moment I was introduced to her
And in a moment the evening was over
And in that moment I realized the pain
The lady must have felt
For her presence had cured me
For just a moment while near her
I was whole
But all too quickly she was gone

I bust the windows out your closet

Q: do you regret coming out
A: Oh Hell yes

Q: If you could go back would you do it again?
A: Duh.

I have spent the majority of my lesbian life in fantastically ridiculous relationships. Those near and dear to me are saints for constantly putting up with tales of intolerable foolywang and utter fuckery. At first I thought I was simply the victim of a long streak of bad luck. Then I thought that I was just incurably unattractive and insanity was the consequence that type of offesnsive aesthetic warranted from the universe. Then I realized. . . I dated the wrong women (no I’m not bitter just accurate) because I didn’t want the relationship to ever go anywhere. WHOA. DING. I mean they were awful when I was with them. . .I’m sure they are completely together and are productive and beneficial members of society now.

My brother Kellen says that people treat you the way you tell them to. This is a complicated yet brilliantly simple statement. Absent some serious human rights violation or lack of legally recognized adult status the majority of people are treated according to their wishes. If I was a mistress it was because I told someone it was ok for me to be her mistress. If I was dumpster for emotional and verbal abuse it was because I put a “please shit on me” sign on my forehead. If someone wanted to use me as a fun temporary lesbian distraction for the summer regardless of my feelings it is because I told that person that is all I was worth.

Now why would I tell people to treat me like I didn’t matter? Hmmmmm Oh that’s easy because then I could play he martyr. I could be the victim and claim the moral highroad when they went back to the lover I always knew they’d end up with, or when they abandoned me in boredom, or got tired of shitting in the same spot. I could play the damaged and pathetic wretch, lick my wounds, and go forth into the night to fight another wet rag of buffoonery to invite into my life and my confidences thus starting the cycle all over again. I needed those relationships to fail because if they were destined to fail then there was no future in them. If there was no future in them then I didn’t need to bother my family with the trivial matter of my true sexuality and alas we could have another Hallmark Christmas where everyone was straight and Black Jesus loves our breeder souls.

Until one day. . .I met someone who made me want to tell them about the true me. I met someone who helped me see that I needed to believe in the future of a stable same sex relationship because that’s who I am. That’s what I’m worth. Even though that relationship didn’t work out it doesn’t mean the principle still doesn’t stand. The reasons still hold water. I should have my own family. That’s what I deserve. I’m a family girl. I want the house, the dog, the kids, the wife, and the mini bar in the basement. I want AYSO on Saturday mornings, football on Sunday afternoon, and Friday night game nights. I want special funny names for my parents and I want my brother to be Uncle Matty. That can’t happen if they don’t get to know the real me.

The day I came out to my dad I did it on a whim. It was a regular Monday morning. I had left my beautiful girlfriend at the apartment and went to work at the community health center I’m located at every Monday. My girl and I had been discussing my coming out a lot in the last few days. We were very much in love and she wanted to be with me during that process. Her coming out process was and continues to be difficult and she wanted to help me with mine. It was important (at the time) for her to be a part of my coming out process. We had plans to be together and she was going to be a part of my life so it made sense to stop playing games and come out to my parents. She wanted me to do it while she was around so that she could provide me with support in case it went badly. Well it did not go well. My Father was decent he chose his words carefully and reminded me that I am his daughter and he’d love me forever. He however will need some time to come to terms with this “decision”. My mother on the other hand came down with a severe case of mouth diarrhea and a barrage of absurd and comical things came crashing through what little filter she had and spilled through my phone into my brain like slugewater during a mudslide. In the midst of it all my girl and I fell apart. . . I dealt with the brunt of the fallout from my family on my own. . . .

Alone. . .lonely. . .tired. . .downtrodden. . .which honestly is probably how it should have been anyway. People are tired of depressed and lackluster people. My friends are probably exausted by my stories that have the same characters with different names. Coming out is my battle and making my family understand is my war. My parents were the worst. My extended family has been wholeheartedly supportive. It’s a process and as they say,” Life is marathon not a sprint”. “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” “Fall 5 times get up 6.” “The lord never gives us more than we can handle.” ”All things are difficult before they are easy.” Blah. . . blah. . .blah. . .

No matter how hard it was coming out was the right decision to make. It has given me the strength to demand better for myself. I have never been so bold in advocating for my own wants and needs. I don’t have to hide and accept the bullshit that people offer me claiming it’s potpourri. I don’t have to accept the scraps of affection people give me certain that I’ll be grateful for their leftover love. No more will I tolerate the unfeeling and unrequited devotion I have previously lavished on narcissistic emotional adolescents. I have grown up. I have matured by fire. I have developed deal breakers, and learned to spot the signs of emotional and mental instability that will not be tolerated because I did not spend all that money on therapy to give anyone free sessions. I’m not anyone’s mother so I’m not raising anyone’s grown child. I’m smart, beautiful, clever, funny, supportive, creative, and talented. I’m too much for average and not enough for the insecure. I believe in the power of my own Ego and I constantly feed my own vanity because for too long it has been starved. Coming out to my parents is the heralding of a new dawn. They haven’t completely it accepted it yet but they accept me. . . and the beautiful thing is that I accept me. The world didn’t end the day after I told them. The recession continued. Kim John IL is still wearing that ridiculous hat and we haven’t found Bin Laden.

Leak this. . .

Julian Assange's current leak of classified cables has not helped America or saved any American lives or helped improve the war on terror in any way therefore I rebuke the release of those documents. I argue that these leaks have done harm, and have made countries more distrustful of each other and given dangerous elements the information they need to be more difficult to find and educated about the Western worlds’ weaknesses.

First I think it is perfectly reasonable to challenge the credibility of the Julian Assange.

His intentions appear to be good. But his grandiose and overwhelming disregard for the principle of diplomacy is dumbfounding. State's spend money to keep secrets. . .because secrets save lives. Who is this man to hold court over America and our private opinions of the world? I don't know. I do know that I spent three years of my life learning that we as Americans have built our government and system of law on the principle that if someone would like the impose moral judgment on us then we have the right to challenge their moral integrity and then challenge the appropriateness of that judgment. The Puritans (yes I’m referencing the settlers despite the fact that I’m morally opposed to them and their slaughter of Native Americans) left England because they were tired of being religiously oppressed. They were also tired of being told what to do by a morally bankrupt monarchy. If I was a 350lb chain smoking, donut eating, beer in the morning drinking, lard swallowing, twinkie and bacon snack making, cake for brunch every day having, deep fried butter loving, chili cheese fries for lunch, and McDonald’s for dinner every day like clock work inhaling, my own special on the learning channel having bitch, then you MIGHT gawk if I gave a critical expose of your eating habits. Even if I have a full library of healthy eating novels and I have taken several classes on the subject. The source matters. It is my right to FIRST look at the source and after I make sure the source is credible/reputable then I look at the information and judge its credibility. Why do I get to critique Julian? (1) I’m an American (2) As an American I could be harmed by the information he released (3) He is critiquing my country. Australia is still a mess. Go fix your country then come to mine and try to work out our problems.

Second. I’m OVER non Americans shitting on our country. I’m also over Americans helping non Americans shit on our country unless there is some tangible and measurable domestic benfit (read: our country not our president [nation not personality]). Unless you live in Switzerland take care of your own government Keep your critiques to the op-ed page. When your critiques take on life then I become a mother wolf with red, white, and blue teeth waiting to tear your throat out unless you can give me a good reason not to. IF your government is Mr. Clean spotless THEN come and use mine as a port-o-potty. You’ll remember that when Bush was president I was NEVER for anyone taking a dump on America. I’m a first generation American. My parents fucking hauled ass to get here. My grandmother worked her fingers to the bone to bring six children here. I’m going to die here. My children will be born here and while I love Jamaica my kids will also have a very proper and somber respect for this the greatest (yes greatest) country in the world.

I believe that if you have a problem with American than you should work to fix it and you should love her while you are critiquing her. It’s the principle of “I can talk about my Mom but the second you do I will punch you in the face” Not a hard concept to understand it’s also not particularly mature or logical but it’s pretty universal. If you don’t want to do that in a constructive manner then get the fuck out. I’m serious, go to France. Stop taking up the space and jobs and air of people who risk their lives for a chance to make it here.

I support international critique. Like right now I want to kick Barry in his knots for letting this leak happen on his watch. He’s also handling both these wars MONSTROUSLY and his health care bill is bullocks in its entirety. BUT anyone who betrays our country like Pfc. Ham-ass-face-shit-for-brains doesn’t get any accolades from me. I hope Pfc. Dickfacenuts gets court marshaled for treason and erased from American History. I hope he becomes an urban legend. I hope he lives on like La Llorona, The bogeyman, Banshees, the Dupey Man, the Easter Bunny, and the fucking Jollyman (google him).

He. Gave. Up. State. Secrets. *blink * *stare * <

And he didn’t even give up good ones.[i] I don’t know if Cher, Mario Lopez, and Madonna are Aliens (and the basis of the TV show The Event). I don’t know who shot TuPac and Biggie. I don’t know where Osama is. I don’t know what our contingency plan is when (yes when) North Korea collapses like a black hole. I have NO idea how we are going to deal with the blossoming pandemic that is HIV/AIDS. I don’t know what our gov’t is doing about the erosion of Russia’s democracy (just that there is one). I don’t know how realistic Taiwanese independence is at the current moment. I have no idea what the shit is going on with the removal of uranium from Pakistan (oh wait I do. Because Pfc. Ineedattention alerted the world to the fact that we ARE removing uranium from reactors in Pakistan we’ve had to halt those operations).

“Oh yeah, and the dump will do real harm. Everybody knows that the Obama administration is worried about loose nukes in Pakistan, but not everyone knew that a U.S. technical team was trying to remove highly enriched uranium from one particular research reactor. Until now. A WikiLeaks cable quotes the U.S. ambassador as warning that “if the local media got word of the fuel removal,” it would scuttle the operation.”[ii]

I did get a whole lot of water cooler gossip though. [iii] I know that Paris Hilton (Italian President) the Situation (Russian President) like to party with each other and are international liabilities. Well yippie ki-yi-ya mutherfuckers. I read the New York Time, bbcnews, the Washington Post, and Slate magazine. This is not in fact new news.

Then why is Chris so mad? Oh. . . becaue he did burst wide open some secrets didn’t really want everyone and then suicide bombing mama to. So hats off to private first class dickface nuts. I’ll send your mother an edible arrangement basket. After the government sends her to a secret camp in Yemen for re-programming so that she doesn’t even remember she had a son. They’ll hopefully erase Pfc.’s dickfacenuts birth certificate, his school records, all pictures of him, and every trace of evidence that he was every on this earth. I’ll send his mother a welcome home gift basket because she’ll think she was at a training seminar. Gosh I hope she likes chocolate covered strawberries.

My concern with the Wikileaks organization and most specifically with the most recent release of diplomatic cables is that their release does not help us domestically in any discernable manner. I’m selfish. My family lives in NY and I’m over anything that creates even a slight increase in international discord. Because the more attention we have to pay to stroking hurt egos and smoothing down diplomatic ruffles the less attention we have available for other more pressing matters. I have family and friends serving in this country right now so anytime anyone releases documents that could put them at harm I will assume the worst until the alternative is proven.

Lastly Wikileaks did my country more harm than good, therefore I will not glorify Julian Assange in anyway regardless of how good his intentions are. So here is the argument: the leaked information can do one of three things (from a domestic standpoint): it can (1) Help us; (2) Hurt us; (3) Do nothing.

We know that it has done not done nothing. So it has to be option 1 or 2 (or a combination of 1 and 2). I argue it is MORE 1 than 2 which makes Julian Assange a threat to MY safety and thus fair game to be hunted down and prosecuted.

(A) Wikileaks has helped by :

a. showing weaknesses in our diplomatic cable communications. I appreciate that. It’s a form of critique that will only make our communications stronger.

(B) Wikileaks has hurt by:

a. Highlighting certain information re: world leaders/politics that we didn’t necessarily didn’t need other countries to know. (we all agree people may have “known” but now there is documented confirmation which is just obnoxious) [iv] Some of the main points are

Point 1: The U.S. is worried about loose nuclear materials in Pakistan but can’t do much about it.

Point 2: American leaders are “thinking about an eventual collapse of North Korea” and hoping China will accept a reunified peninsula. Bullet

Point 3: Washington is “bargaining [with various allies] to empty the Guantanamo prison.”

Point 4: There are “suspicions of corruption in the Afghan government.”

Point 5: The Chinese regime hacks into foreign computers.

Point 6: Rich Saudis still fund al Qaeda.

Point 7: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin are tight.

Point 8: Syria arms Hezbollah, but lies about it.

Point 9: The U.S. tried to get Germany not to prosecute CIA agents accused of kidnapping.[v]

Oh yes did I mention he leaked a lovely list of important/critical locations around the world that America relies on for international security. [vi]

The point is even if we “knew” this information now that we see it written down world leaders have to come out and be “angry” like the Hulk about it. German Chancelor Merkel knows she’s tepid and lukewarm and doesn’t like confrontation. She may know that she likes to surround herself with people who aren’t as smart as her to make herself look good but now we’ve PUBLISHED that to the world. SO that (A) the rest of the EU knows it and (B) she has us to thank for that and (C) she has to prove the opposite or (D) do her damndest to ignore it and pretend like it didn’t exist and it’s not true and like everyone isn’t looking at her like she.

(C) Julian won’t spark a national uprising calling for more transparency in government.

I will tell you why he won’t. He will not set loose a virus of curiosity to cure America of it’s crippling apathy because the disease multiplies like a cancer and he hasn’t focused his treatments enough to target the expanding cells. We have been overrun with a paralytic agent that has us barely holding on the status quo. Things were so bad in this country that a black man actually had a chance to/and did win the Presidency. He inherited an enormous ball of foolywang because the country was so helter skelter that the citizenry was like “well shit. . he can’t do any worse”.

Julian picked a terrible time to ask American people to rise up on an intellectual level. He needed to find something basic and guttural to connect to the American psyche. He needed a simple message that is accessible to a mass of individuals who have at the very highest an average intellect of a 4^th grader. We are busy. We are lazy. We need the google maps/wikipeadia version of these documents. Bullet points Julilan. Bullet points. Highlights. Watch ESPN for a minute and thenyou’re your argument into the modern American citizens cognitive framework.

It is hard (if not impossible) to be intellectual when hunger is on the brain. Americans’ basic needs are not being met. When basic needs aren’t being met uprisings come from domestic issues not international ones. Unless the international cables show us exactly how to get some mother of 4 how she can get her kids more food stamps she’s ignoring it totally and completely. We are in a recession. (this is a group of people waiting for public housing applications)

A depression. All those pictures we saw in history books of people living during the 20’s that’s how people are living now only we can’t see it because whether we want to admit it or not we are living various degrees of a Gatspy (*choke* *gag *) lifestyle. We live above the masses. Unemploymen is at 10% . People are loosing health insurance, kids are going to school to eat, people are losing their homes. I could take a poll of every person that walks through legal aids doors for the next 3 months and I guarantee that maybe 7 of them know or care who Julian Assange is. These people however aren’t protected from the negative fall out. I can go to NY and ask the same type of people and they won’t know or care who he is either. But they do care (whether they know it or not) about how much information we are providing those who would do us harm.

Addendum:

Julian says that he has damaging information about Bank of America. Now this. This I’d like to hear. This information helps us domestically. We need to know what our banks are doing. I don’t believe this information will lead to economic terrorism but I do believe it may help the average man ask more questions about his lender. AH HA! How does this differ from the international leaks? It differs greatly because if Bank of America has been doing shady dealings and betraying American citizens then these are things Americans will want to know about. Every homeowner who lost his or her home, every homeowner with a mortgage, every person with a 401k cares. This hits home. This is something that can be boiled down and easily understood and will ultimately help my fellow citizens.To be sure, some of the things that Julian releases are helpful but some of the things he releases aren't helpful and are actually hurtful. He has gambled and if he looses then that's the risk he takes. Every great game changer has suffered for it. History will judge and as it sees fit.

---

[i] http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2010/11/29/holy_wikileaks_batman

[ii] http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-11-29/wikileaks-diplomatic-document-dump-is-banal-sabotage/

[iii] http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/dec/03/wikileaks-cables-us-embassy-seven-key-things

[iv] http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-11914040

[v] http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-11-29/wikileaks-diplomatic-document-dump-is-banal-sabotage/

[vi] http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-11923766

God. Bless. America. and anyone who threatens America can lick a taint.

Her

I am Nero
At an over the top
Ball with strobe lights
And the smell of strawberries in the air
I’m graceful though I slip on glitter
And vengefully trip Queens
Who fall backwards
Flamboyantly flat
Breaking the impact with
A cushion of fabulously timed
Choreographed rhythm
And there at a drag show
were boys shimmied breasts
In dresses
And girl with goatees
Swaggered in skinny jeans
Entranced by the glamour
Of genderbending
I was watching him glide in heals
Across the stage in a purple
Snakeskin body suit dancing
Seductively and Singing Whitney under a strobe light
When suddenly
My attention was torn and
I witnessed her.
Her body vibrating with the effort to keep
The spirit of Dionysus from
Erupting and throwing the entire
Room into a frenzy of seduction
I was in the a place
At a time
and never before
in all my hours did I ever
think I’d see a girl with her
power
Rock steady solid and fragile
Newly made and dangerously
Bright
You might not believe it’s magic
You’ll say magic doesn’t exist
But you’ve never seen a girl like this
A walking spell

© 2014 Christal Coakley

How I got here

My loneliness was so full and pathetic
I could not help but
gorge myself on its sureness
you see sadness drips like honey
from the skies you just
have to stand in the spot where you saw it last
and it’s sure to come around again
so with reckless abandon I
licked the remnants of a decadent sorrow
from my fingers and was shameless
in succumbing to its sticky richness

I was pathetic and begging for seconds
After discovering that it is easier to be a victim then to
get on a moody treadmill and
not surprisingly my inability
to push away from that wretched table
lead to my development of emotional diabetes
so now with one leg
a sore foot
and limited vision I
trip over the thin needles
of redemption I was given
and through some act of destiny
they prick the smallest part of me
shooting up possibility
trying to fight the infection of
a lonesome desolation
it’s a medicine given to me
by my other self the one
that remembers poetry
and honesty and community
she has three eyes and knows the sun
is made up of sevens
she believes an old love is still worthy
if only for the memory
and knows that hope is limitless
even though I forget on this lengthy journey
she holds me and sustains me
doesn’t judge me and waits patiently
for me to return
because she believes
I’ll do it like Caesar with hindsight
Like Atila with Nostradamus
And Hannibal with an Atom bomb
Triumphantly, certainly
With the artificial titanium limbs
That confidence left behind

© 2014 Christal Coakley

I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. . .

We were young and beautiful that summer
So I’ll write about the sun
And the grass and the trees
About the air conditioning and fans
Sleeveless shirts and sweat.
Salty kisses
Salads and fruit
Dirt and laughing
Planting New flowers and ancient passions
And I’ll skip
the things
We left unsaid
For the fear that confrontation
Would grow and shadow
Our ignorance in a solid
Shade of reality
I’ll speak about the beauty
Of the leaves and your smile
my laugh
your eyes green sometimes
Although I think maybe blue
With that view
I think of us and my brown eyes
I think maybe black
And how I saw my mostly first and true
True enough
Love

© 2014 Christal Coakley

For Colored Girls

Tyler Perry’s version of “For Colored Girls” which is an adaptation of the “choreopoem” For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf accomplishes a lot but could also accomplish so much more. Le Sigh.

Fist there is the shortening of the name. Yes ,the play was and

primarily is directed at colored women. Ntozake Shange wrote this book for herself and for the women she knew but it’s not just for colored girls. It is for damaged, whole, complicated, difficult, warm, wise, rebuilding, wretched, and divine girls. We say girls because even if we are biologically mature there are parts of us that remain fragile innocence. When that part is severely damaged it is at that moment when women look inward and see nothing good left and decide that death is preferable to image in the mirror that this book is most needed. The title needs to be complete. The rainbow must be included. Suicide must be included. In the end it is that rainbow of women and feelings and conquering of life that proves enough to beat back self destruction and that must be the call sign for any woman looking to find strength in this work.

I bought this book before I knew I needed book. It had colored girls in the title and I figured one day I’d get around to reading it. This book is not for the light-hearted. It is impossible to truly comprehend and ingest if life has given you no chance to gain the experience of emotional trauma. I bought this book and then life offered me the opportunity to truly appreciate the words betweens it’s covers. Wisdom fell into my lap with a huff and puff and it blew away my naivitee. Lupus, heartbreak, disappointment, despair, failure, hurt, anger, abuse, desire, unrequited love, hatred, apathy, and unfulfilled needs all came together wrapped around each other to pull me into a big teepee of adulthood that I wasn’t quite ready for. All of these things churned inside of me and I had no idea what to do with them until I picked up this book. This book says things a mother can’t, a friend shouldn’t, a sister won’t, and a brother wouldn’t even begin to know how to articulate. This book tells the story of other women who might be you but aren’t so they are safe to view and learn from. They are colors that are abstract and accessible and they find love and joy and pain and heartache and horror but in the end they find each other and freedom and self and most importantly GOD and she redeems them.

Tyler Perry turns this dramatic yet triumphant story into something of an overwrought soap opera. He doesn’t have the women stick to the dialogue attached to their colors. So if you have read the book before seeing the movie you might be a bit confused. The characters aren’t so much justifiable and reactionary in their unique responses to their environments so much as they are “crazy” or “cold” or just plan “off”. Luckily he has a cast of first rate phenomenal actresses to keep the spirit of the book alive.

First: Janet Jackson was HORRIBLY directed. She’s like a black Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada without the depth (or talent sorry Janet I still think your sexy). She is recipient of my favorite monologue in the book. After her husband has betrayed her and said he’s sorry (after saying sorry a million times before she’s finally over all of his sorrys). She gives him a piece of her mind and the flow of words that come from her are words that I feel a million a day should say to their men and vice versa. They are the words of an independent person who is finally over being with someone who is not worthy of their company. The words of a person who would rather be alone that with someone who makes them feel lonely. I call it the "I can do bad all by my damn self so go fuck up some other bitch's life" rant.

“One thing I don’t need

is any more apologies

I got sorry greeting me at my front door

You can keep yrs

I don’t know what do wit em

They don’t open doors

Or bring the sun back

They make me happy

Or get a morning paper

Didn’t nobody stop using my tears

To wash cars

Cuz a sorry

I am simply tired of collectin

“I didn’t know I was so important to you”

. . .I can’t get to the clothes in my closet

for alla the sorries

I’m gonna tack a sign to my door

Leave a message by the phone

If you called to say yr sorry

Call somebody else. . .

You were always inconsistent

Doing something & then being sorry

Beating my heart to death

Talking bout you sorry

Well

I will not call

I’m not going to be nice

I will raise my voice

& scream

& holler

& break things & race the engine

& tell all yr secrets about yrself to yr face . . .

I loved you on purpose

I was open on purpose

I still crave vulnerability and close talk

& I’m not even sorry bout you being sorry

you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna

just don’t give it to me

I can’t use another sorry

Next time

You should admit

You’re mean/low down/ trifling/ & no count straight out

Steada being sorry alla the time

Enjoy being yrself”

* three snaps and a neck twist fo yo ass*

I love LOVE love this monologue. If I had a dollar for every sorry a lover ever gave me I would be Warren fucking Buffet. And it’s my fault really because I knew they were sorry. 

Maya Angelou says, “When someone shows you who they are. . .believe them”.

 So I would see that a person was a sorry, low down, no good, trifling, piece of shit and I would think “it’s ok . . .they’ll change or I can save them. . .or their problems aren’t that big of a deal.” BULLOCKS. It’s a two way street. That’s what the lady in Blue realized. So I now say to people be a fucking piece of shit. Own your fuckery. Wear it proudly like a badge. And find someone who would like to participate just leave me out of it. I’m over the sorry’s I’m over giving myself to people who I know don’t deserve it. There is an esteem issue wrapped up in the lady in blues character one that she remedies after her husband has betrayed her for the last time. There is also a sense of ownership. She yells and is shockingly passionate in this dialogue because she knows she is partly to blame. She saw the sorry’s and the signs and she let it go on MUCH longer than it should have. She is not just raising her voice at her husband. She is raising her voice at herself and to God. She is making a promise to herself and to GOD and she is saying never again will I let the GOD in me be trampled like that. Tyler has Janet deliver these lines with all the emotional ferocity of a corpse. This monologue is the Lady in Blues' FREEDOM SCENE, her emotional emancipation. She has spent the entire play/movie being confined to formality and protocol. NOW she is taking off her heels and putting her man’s bullshit on 21 jump street and she says IN THE MONOLOGUE I’m going to yell, I’m going to scream, I going to lay our shit bare because we have both been living wrong. That is Ntazake TELLING YOU Mr. PERRY HOW THE SCENE SHOULD GO. Janet needs to be standing up, she needs to be over her husband (physically, metaphorically, and emotionally) and she needs to be proclaiming that she is taking back her body, her pride, her esteem, her mind, and her place, from this no good low down trifling piece of shit negro she’s been giving herself over to. However Mr. Perry decides to have her sitting on a bed, speaking softly, looking like Michael in a wig , with tears running down her eyes. Ugh. Dis- A- Point- Meant. I blame him for it. It's because of him the terrorists are winning damnit! Janet might be an actress but she still needs a LOT of direction. She is not seasoned like Whoopi, Loretta, or Phylicia, or Thandie, or Kimberly or Anika Noni Rose. Tyler led her astray and ruined one of the most powerful monologues. And I mean powerful in deliverance and effect. Bullocks. Shitballs.

Second: Thandie Newton should have brought subtly to a character who in the book wore her sexuality and her vulnerability like a fine cashmere sweater. Sexual promniscuity is complicated and delicate despite the energy that fuels the act. When Thandie is left to herself she is quiet and reflective. The sex finds her and she has it because she is complelled to. That type of behavior should be deliverd and studied like a fine spanish waltz not thrown onto the screen like paint splashed on a wall. It is a dance between filling up one's emptyness with physical pleasure or emotional healing.

She delivers one half of my favorite lines from the Lady in Yellow saying to her little sister Nyla (played by Tessa Thompson) “Being colored is a metaphysical dilemma I haven’t conquered yet”. The rest of the line is saved for later in the movie. But that breaks up the beauty of the moment. She is supposed to continue and say that she is a spirit that is too ancient to separate soul from gender. And her love is too delicate to have it thrown back on her face. The ladies all say what their love is at the end of the movie but it doesn’t follow the book. Tyler doesn’t have the women follow the lines assigned to their colors because it would ruin the continuity of the character connections he has established. He simply divides the dialogue up as it fits and places it in the mouths of the characters in the scenes as he determines appropriate. He has Thandie play this weird shrill sex harpie and Thandie does her best to tone it down. Her relationship with Whoopi is played up well. I do think that their scenes together are some of the best and I give him some credit for that direction. Some I say not a ton.

Third: Tessa Thompson is a relative newcomer and she does a beautiful job of playing Nyla. In her opening scene she speaks about losing her virginity in the backseat of a car. This is supposed to be recounted as a positive experience. In the book she’s exited and happy to have reached her womanhood. She wanted to loose her virginity and she enjoyed the experience. Tyler needed to catch that youthful new sexual energy he grasped the tip of it but couldn’t capture the whole thing. I will say that her scene with Macy Gray was brilliant and I think and Macy is actually a seriously untapped acting talent. Macy portrays a beautiful woman broken by the ugliness that usually finds beautiful women in a poor neighborhood.

Fourth: The other seasoned characters make the film more than worthwhile and an excellent experience. Kimberly Elise did a marvelous job as an abused woman and I think Michael Ealy played the part of her PTSD soldier boyfriend just perfect. Plus their kids are hella cute. When you see the movie go ahead and know that’s what J.R. and my kids will look like one day. Yes it’s a vision.

Phylicia Rashad could get my panties any day of the week (twice on Sundays) I don't care how old she is. Her acting is less like reciting and more like breathing life into a character who was lying dormant in her body. She is a persona who was patiently sitting back until the day Phylicia just allowed her to take control of her body. She is flawless, effortless, stone-cold precise, perfect, and ever brilliant. That has nothing to do with Tyler and more to do with her just being an exceptional screen presence.

Whoopi Goldberg (praise Jesus hallelujah) back on the big screen is an absolutely stunning religious zealot (read: nutjob). She’s one sip away from offering us ALL kool-aid on the street. I believe her and El-Noaim are gonna make it one day. Tyler doesn’t need to direct her. He should have hired a director to help him with Janet. I’m sure he tried to give Whoopi some pointers and she looked at him over her glasses and was like “negro please I’ve been acting since before you knew you had a penis”. She’ll captivate you end of story.

Anika Noni Rose (a.k.a princess Tiana) has a smile so wide I think you can see her molars. Tyler makes a mistake during one of her scenes that I won’t give away let’s just say he should have rethought the Opera music. Also she recites every lines the way I always envisioned it. Kudos and props.

Loretta Devine lives up to her God given name. . She delivers her lines with a breathless fervor that has the audience leaning forward trying to catch her words as they flutter through the scenes like a butterfly with 3 foot wings. She is a robber. She hijacks every scene she is in. Every one. Hands down. My favorite scene is when she talks about how her man almost walked away with her “stuff”. Stuff in this context is “dignity, esteem, sense of self, humanity, pride, and joy” . She’s speaking to a group of women at a health center and that is an excellent adaptation on Perry’s part.

Lastly: The movie runs relatively smoothly. I’m sure that every line you find memorable from the movie was directly pulled from the book. I’m also sure that everything you find obnoxious about the movie will be a direct addition by Tyler Perry. I am however bothered by the ending. Tyler has all the women come together for a group scene that includes a laying on of the hands.
It’s a scene where all the women (minus Whoopi) realize there is GOD in them and she is beautiful and filling. However Tyler has them somberly gather around one woman who has had a particularly tragic ending to her tale and just hold her like Waiting to Exhale without the wine. . .WOMP. The end of the book is a CELEBRATION. There is dancing. Singing. Joy. Exhaling. These women have come into themselves and in their godliness. The women are all in their colors and they circle the stage creating a rainbow of hope and possibility TYLER. That’s the point of the play. The idea is that yes life throws us tragedy and heartache and pain and sometimes we can’t see through the blood and tears but there is always GOD in us and GOD in friends and help in self and belief in one’s own ability to survive and that is something worth celebrating.

The movie ended like a lifetime movie. I looked around and was surprised I wasn’t at home in my PJs.I give it an overall B. And that’s only because he was able to incorporate so much of Ntazake’s work into it. I needed Tyler to tune down his Divo and get some help. But alas it’s hard to do with the sound of your own greatness is ringing in your ears.