I  would love to start from the beginning but it's hard to know exactly when that is or what to say about it so I'll just start from where I can and go from there.

We'll start with the diagnosis. Lupus. Fuckass bitchmade douchefilled Lupus (excuse my language) Lupus is the process by which YOUR OWN immune system refuses to recognize your OWN body and attacks it just like Al Queda.  .

So I took the bar exam at the end of February. During the last week of study I developed bronchitis and a sinus infection. I know. sexy and really convenient. So I called my primary care physician and she made an appointment with her nurse practitioner. Now. Honesty. I don't care if your mama and grand-mama and great aunt and pastor are nurse practioners. They can call lick my clit. Both times I've had a Lupus crises it's been because of a nurse practitioner and I hope they all choke on the hottest of donkey dicks.

BUT I DIGRESS.

So THIS BITCH after being told I have Lupus and having the LUPUS diagnosis all over my chart prescribes me an anti-biotic and can cause Lupus and should not be prescribed to people with Lupus. . . .

EPIC GOT DAMN PAUSE.  .. 

So I take the shit of course. I get well enough to take AND PASS (making me a lawyer again)

  but a week after the test I am in the ER with the most severe abdominal pain I have ever experienced in my black ass life. It was the pain of every slave mother giving birth then going right back to work. The pain of a thousand stomach crunches the day after. The pain of George Foreman cutting one right to my gut. On the drive to the hospital I promised my lord and savior that I would cut out my ovaries and offer them to him at the alter that Sunday if he would just make sure I never experience that kind of pain ever again. 

Turns out the anti-biotic I had taken set my Lupus off TWERKING and it spread from quietly demolishing my kidneys to reigning terror on my abdomen and back. AWESOME.

I got into the ER and was like PAIN MEDS NOW. They gave me the pain meds but I also had a fever of 104 so I was a little bit out of it. This is when the residents decided to ask me dumb ass questions. 

Resident: What day is it
Me: Night day
Resident: What is the day
Me: Today. . . dummy
Resident: What year is it
Me:The year of MY LORD
Resident: Who is the president?
Me: Rocco Obama and Joe Budden

Resident:. . . let's go ahead and get this fever down. . . . .

They put me in a room with a pregnant Puerto Rican who spent the days yelling at her baby daddy over skype.  Luckily she was moved when they thought I had some sort of bowel infection due to the fact that I poop about once every hour. That is the only time the misunderstanding about my bowel movements has come in handy.

A few days after they removed La Reina they put an old racist Italian woman in my room. I had a nurse who was half Mexican and half  Iraqi and the Italian woman LITERALLY SAID "You are really pretty for someone like you. I've never seen a pretty Mexican before". JESUS. TAKE. IT. 

I spent a week in the hospital and they sent me  home even though I wasn't healed I just wasn't dying... as fast...anymore.  Well praise the lord she's not dying BUT she has a pic line in her arm and has to take IV antibiotics. 

I had a home nurse come to check on the IV and give me my meds and she thought that my distended belly warranted another ER visit.
 ** opens Dereon casket **.

 OF COURSE I get admitted. I stay in the hospital for another 5 days then I get released. Two days later I find that I am suddenly legally blind. As in I can see shapes and fuzzy colors but no definition. AMAZE-BALLS. I call my mother's office

Me: Hello can I please speak to Shirley Coakley
Operator: She might be on the line can I take a message 
Me: Yes can you tell her that I kind of. . .can't. . .see
Operator: come again?
Me: I'm sort of blind
Operator: YOU'RE BLIND!?!?!?  WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT TO START WITH?! HOLD ON!!!

My mom took me to the eye doctor where I proceeded to start an eye exam and them promptly had 2 seizures 

and one more in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Bless my own heart. I spent a week in the hospital where I received the first of 6 doses of chemo therapy and a few blood transfusions then I went home.

FOUR DAYS later I awake in the middle of the night and my vision is going in and out again. (Let the church say AMEN). We head back to the emergency room, I get an overwhelming headache and then BAM! Another seizure. I'm admitted into the ICU a day later I'm brought down to to a regular room then in the middle of the night I awake unable to breath. I can breath but I can't take full breaths. They try to give me oxygen but it doesn't work. Then the decision is make to intubate me. NOW. When you intubate

someone you are supposed to knock them out. You put them to sleep because it is a traumatically invasive experience that most people would be adverse to.  Like put them to sleep with the good shit. That killed MJ shit. They did administer it to me but they didn't give me enough to I was WIDE awake when they started to shove a garden hose down my throat. There was kicking, screaming, punching, and struggling before I was given more drugs and finally fell out. I woke up two days later strapped down to the bed PISSED. 
In all fairness the way I acted during the intubation makes me realize that the restraints were necessary.  I woke up and looked around the room frantically. I started to struggle against the restraints and coughed. 

Mom: Hi there
Me: aerihaweriah
Mom:I'm going to untie your hands but you have to promise not to try to pull out the tube or else you'll pull out your lungs
Me: akaweriherwuhad

** Mom unties the restraints**
 ** I immediately start grabbing at the tube and have to be restrained again** 
** foiled from killing myself! arrrgggggg**

I learned that I was going to have to remain with the tube in my throat for THREE hours so they could make sure I breathe on my own. WOMP. There was cell phone throwing, punching, kicking, and other acts of generally open aggression towards the people trying to save my life. 

It's funny. We go to hospitals to get help. We beg to be saved. We ask for respite. But medicine and science are PRACTICES. They are trying most things and still working many things out.And they were going full Jillian Michaels on my ass. I resented the nurses and the doctors and  don't even get me started on the flobatomists. 

[5:45 AM]
Flobatomist: Hello good morning I'm Carly I'm here to get your blood
Me: (thoughts) Go kill yourself
Fl: I'm just going to take a little. . . .
Me: (thoughts) DIE
Fl: which arm do you want me to use?
Me:(thoughts)  Neither. I HATE YOUR GUTS
Fl: ok small pinch ** STABS ARM **
Me: (thoughts) A PLAGUE ON YOUR HOUSE!

** throws all the emotions at the poor person trying to do her job**

But these people are working to get me well. I showed up on their doorstep dying and they are keeping me alive. It's completely illogical but it's the only reaction I could muster up. I didn't want to use the bedside commode. I didn't want to nurses to help clean me. I didn't want to eat their food. I just had ALL the anger. All of it.

I didn't want anything but to be well and I wanted it IMMEDIATELY. The greatest gift Lupus has given me is patience. I  can't have what I want when I want it and I can't do what I want when I want to because Lupus has other plans. It is a rude disease. It just shows up and then takes what it wants when it wants all while confused about what it needs. I left the hospital two weeks later needing physical therapy and a baptism because of all the bad words and curse outs(unfairly and fairly given) to the string of residents I threw out of my NorthWestern hospital room.

I will say this. I have some fantastic friends and family. They visited and called and texted and made me remember my humanity because it is so hard to hold on to when you have no privacy, little affect, minimal comfort, and you are bored out of your mind just sitting around being broken. I am blessed. I am thankful. I am in a much better position than a lot of other people and I have to remember that. I don't take a Pollyanna stance on my disease or the pain it's cause me but I do have perspective and that perspective helps me appreciate that hell. . . I could have a flesh eating virus or be allergic to morphine. 
THE END.