Oh Nancy

SO. I went in for a regular appointment with my hematologist and he straight kidnapped me. Sure I was a little dizzy and extra thirsty and a very tired but that wasn’t particularly new. My doctor comes in a says:

“hmm you look pale”

I thought he was joking. I didn’t know black people could look pale. . .but apparently we can.

“I’m going to check you in to the day hospital for fluids”

Alright. I can handle that. I go over to the day hospital I get my fluids then BAM! I get kidnapped! You have a low blood count. Your hemoglobin number is 4. You have to be admitted. BOOOO. WOMP. **Keyboard smash**. Iwewiukjhdfaiuwe.aiweuaweiurh

I have ANEMIA YAY!!! ** pops champagne** 

So they call the ambulance to take me around the corner (fastfoward to the BILL I get for several hundred dollars for that ambulance ride. . . )

SO. I get admitted, tiny hospital bed, gross food, awaken at all hours of the night, to get blood drawn, to get weighed, to get my blood pressure taken. Every day I look towards the attendings and the nurse hopefully asking when I will be released and the days passed with no word.

There’s a whole lot of “wait and see” with anemia and blood transfusions. Lupus is also a “wait and see” type of disease. I just get to wait and see. Eventually my blood count went up and I sort of get some more energy and I’m ready to go home. They want to watch me for one more day and I get to start the discharge process.

HOWEVER. Before I can leave, ENTER NANCY.

I wake up from my mid morning nap to the entrance of NANCY. Nancy has listless brown hair, she is shaped like dirty mop water, she wears thick glasses, she has a slight lisp and she has NO filter. After Nancy is dropped off she decides to go for a walk. I go to the bathroom. Three minutes later she knock on the door and says she has to go “potty”. BLESS HER HEART.

I get out of the bathroom and Nancy goes in. One minute later Nancy pulls the red emergency cord. The nurse shows up and Nancy wants to know which towel in the bathroom was hers and which one was for the “gentlemen”. PAUSE. Both the nurse and I looked around the room for this fellow Nancy was talking about. Oh. MEEEEE. Nancy was talking about ME. Nancy thought I was a man. STRIKE ONE NANCE!

“Nancy that’s a woman”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Did I offend you?”

**crickets**

Since I’m in the hospital and I’ve been on a shower strike for about 5 days I feel no need to be polite to this woman. I’d also like to mention that the MOMENT she entered the room the Jesus hanging on the cross fell upside down in what I can only guess was a sign of the times ahead.

Nancy gets her shit together and goes to sit in her bet. I turn on CNN. I mind my own business. Nancy tries to make small talk. I. Hate. Small. Talk.

Nancy: “What do you think about Obama”

Me:“he’s my cousin so I love him”

Nancy:“No. Way!!”

Me:“Yes he was just at our family reunion”

Nancy:“I just think he takes too many vacations”

Me: ** crickets**

Nancy” you know like he doesn’t work hard enough”

Me: “I’m pretty sure  George Bush took more vacations than any other president ever in the history of our country. You can google that”

Nancy: “oh”

Me: ** crickets**

Then BLESSED silence for about 11 minutes until Nancy’s mother shows up.

I could not make this woman up even if I tried.

First: She didn’t use a purse she used a “friends of the library bag” to carry her belongings

Second: she literally spit on her hands and used her palms to fix Nancy’s hair

Third: first words out of her mouth were,

“Nancy, why are you watching CNN you know we only watch Fox News”

** pull out IV and waits to bleed to death**

I learned that Nancy was on Medicaid and her mother was on Medicare HOWEVER they both were republicans and expressed great anger at all of the vacation days President Obama had taken. ** throws holy water on the ignorant **