Wounds

"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."             Rose Kennedy’

I was born fearless. I was born brave and successful and full of righteous brilliance. I was star fallen from heaven just waiting to unleash my shine. Then Lupus came and brought with it apprehension and timidity. Fear became something I could touch and feel and it is the lingering consequence of pain. Pain has made me soft and brainless. Pain has changed my fervor for life into a mute bare push for existence. I have been going through the motions of living because I’m in the habit of waking up every morning. I am encouraged by people who love me and I let them prod and lead not really thinking about anything other than preventing more pain. 

I have a friend who had a very complicated upbringing. Despite the adversity She is smart, beautiful, intelligent, and one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. She is also damaged as we all tend to be in some way or another and is trying to cope with her issues using the emotional tools she has developed. The truth is she will never fully rid herself of those marks. I would argue and she should not even try. They are stains that will never wash away. We are told that we should be cleansed and the whiter the better but what if that’s just a myth to feed an unquestioned narrative. What if the stains are what make us whole and genuine. Our scars do not make us porous wretched souls in need of rebuilding. Our scars make us diverse and interesting they give us the armor we need to face the world as it is. Reality is dirty and unpredictable and we need to be able to trust our bodies and souls with the sacred task of protecting our minds from complete and utter destruction. The vessel needed for this divine mission must be sturdy and tested. It must be well worn and weathered. New things lack the memory of survival. Young things are naïve and lack the wisdom that often comes with experience.

I move around a lot these days

….same thing that I've always done

but I'm older now and I get tired some

My friend has scars. They are battle scars. She has fought for her sanity and the sanctity of her person. The scars have created the shield she will need in order to continue her journey and be exactly who she needs to be. They are malleable tools that are priceless and irreplaceable. The experiences, both good and bad, that make up our perception of reality are essential to the essence of our beings. Every high and every low makes us the complicated and richly unique creatures we are. Scars carry stories and history. They are rarely the consequence of something boring. More often they are the prize for surviving. Surviving is a badge of honor.

I am not ashamed of my fear. Trepidation is a natural reaction to adversity. I am not proud of my anxiety but it a necessary component to my growth and development. I am still working on finding my natural born braveness. My experiences have helped me  to understand many different perspectives and have drawn me to people who can help me navigate this difficult journey. I know that my fear is helping to shape the person I was meant to be but it was not meant to define me. Scars may change the landscape but they cannot form the entire picture. Scars are part of the characterization they are not the entire story. I find that my friend, whom I love dearly, is not worse for the wear that has been placed on her. She is like a diamond polished by rough paper. The end result is lustrous and radiant. She struggles but but the battles continue to be waged. She wins some and she losses some but she keeps fighting just like me. We are the same in that manner and I am proud to call her my comrade in arms. We are not perfect nor should we be. Perfection is over-rated an. The important things in life are full of inconsistencies and help us to constantly adapt to changing circumstances. I’m thankful for my scars and I’m thankful for the people who stand with me. Rejoice in sadness and be thankful for pain because without we would not appreciate joy nearly as much.