Better for the loss

Saudade (European Portuguese: [sɐwˈðaðɨ], Brazilian Portuguese: [sawˈdadi] or [sawˈdadʒi], Galician: [sawˈðaðe]; plural saudades) is a Portuguese and Galician word that has no direct translation in English. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or deeply melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return. Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" after someone is gone.
Shakespeare described it as
"better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" What. Ev. rrrrrrrrrr.

I've been thinking about this word a lot recently. To me the word is an emotionally charged conduit for growth and mental evolution.  The word is obviously wrapped up in the feelings and memories of love but it also highlights that space that love leaves behind. Lost love doesn't leave you empty oh NOOOO that would be too easy,

 on the contrary it leaves you full to the brim. You are full of anger, hatred, sadness, worry, terror, apathy, and lastly, much to your dismay there may still be love there. The beauty of this word is that while the object of affection has gone the SUBJECT of study is still right where he or she needs to be. YOU. It's about you. How you feel, how you reacted, how YOU got to this moment right the fuck now. 

Let's take a closer look at that shall we

 

I have loved a few women in my life. A few women have loved me back. Many of these women have been bat poop, lead paint eating, medication needing, "that escalated quickly", certifiably crazy. I've had my heart broken twice by these Harley Quinn rejects and I have to think. . .. maybe. . . it's not them.If you find yourself in the same situation more than once you clearly needed a better more capable teacher.   I see damage and I say, "Hey I can fix that". However, women are not houses that you can slap some paint on and flip for a profit. These women have had real serious issues they refused to deal with hell they didn't even want to acknowledge that they HAD issues

THAT, ladies and gentlement, is unacceptable. I'm ok with you being batty as long as you (1) know you're batty and (2) are trying to un-bat yourself. 

SO I learned it's not my job to parent grown ass people. It's not in either of our best interests to drag you kicking and screaming to mental stability. No more being a super hero lesbian for me! 

BUT the experience of being flushed down an emotional toilet. That lesson SHO WAS LEARNED THE GOT DAMN HARD WAY.

Apparently I wasn't content just hearing that it hurts to be shot. I had to get shot and then say SHIT that was really unpleasant. The women I have loved have had good qualities.  There were things about them that drew me in and encouraged me to stay. Then there were moments when I had to just let go and let God. Spending all that time with crazy has taught me to identify crazy FROM THE JUMP. 

It's taught me to cut ties quicker and it's taught me not to let those people back into my life no matter how pathetic or sorry they seem. . .

But back to Saudade.  . .just because I had to let go of these moments and people doesn't mean I can't mourn them. I should mourn them I can even miss them a little and reflect on the genuine good times we had with a tempered appreciation. These experiences will help me appreciate the person who will make me better. They taught me to love in spite of difficulties and to learn to deal with conflict without aggression. 

While in Cleveland I fell in love  with a women I thought was the most fantastic human in the world (read: she was so fine I should have run and hid).
 She was a got damn human unicorn. Like seeing Tina Turner live for the first time and being blown away by the fact that Jesus would make a pair of legs like that. LORD HAVE ALL THE MERCY. ** looks around for a chair pulls it up and collapses**

 I thought that maybe Jesus had actually come down from heaven and brought me to a gay bar and pointed me in her direction JUST FOR AN ANOINTING. She was smart and kind and funny and fucking GORGEOUS.  AND, it just so happened she was part of a date auction and I bid on her and won **jigs**. 

On our date I decided I was going to marry her. Then I found out that was not possible because she had a girlfriend (no I'm not bitter AT TALL). So we became friends but that didn't stop me from falling head over heels completely in love with her. She couldn't love me back and it didn't matter. She was still magic to me and that will never change.  I value my time with her because the act of loving her brought some sort of weird energy to my life. I was driven to be better for her. Even though she would not to be with me I chose not be bitter and angry and all around shitty (for long). I realized that the experience was going to make me a better partner in the long run. I have no regrets about trying to win her and I'll never blame her for my heartbreak. Love is dangerous, it's a gamble, it is the threshold at the start of any decent and productive relationship but love is not the only thing. 

We have to look back at our relationships or the people we have loved and lost and take something productive from the time we had with them if we are to make better use of  the time we still have. Hiding from the memories or pretending like they never happened or even worse wallowing in anger is only going to stunt US. I learned this lesson the hard way but I learned and I'm grateful for the opportunity to be better. 
There's a melancholy left when you realize your life has to change and you can no longer rely on routines you've come to depend on but there is also a freedom in moving forward towards who you are meant to be, whatever that may amount to.