Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. Perhaps you do carry within you the possibility of creating and forming, as an especially blessed and pure way of living; train yourself for that but take whatever comes, with great trust, and as long as it comes out of your will, out of some need of your innermost self, then take it upon yourself, and don't hate anything. --- Letters to a Young poet
Einstein once said that he wasn't particularly smart he just had the patience to stick with the question longer than other people. During the past few weeks I've had to ask myself what is my purpose. My mobility is limited because of new treatment so I have plenty of time to sit and think about what I will do when I am able to do anything at all. I have two options: be patient or go crazy. Patience gives the reward of comfort in silence. Ease in solitude and respect for thoughts that are born of loneliness. Crazy makes me nervous and gives me a rash. . . so patience it is. Lupus is latin for Wolf. When the disease was first characterized people noticed the rash gave people a wolf-like appearance. I find a comfort in this insane label. The wolf-disease. Like there's a patient strength waiting inside of me, helping me cope with the myriad of craziness that is my body turning on me.
To maintain poise in times of pain has become my new default position. With every passing discomfort that I survive I am left with a fresh perspective on how to beat the next complication. When the pain has gone it leaves behind the essence of gratitude, and with the release of tears grief is washed away.
I have found that creating my own history and defining my own principles are enough to keep me busy for not just this life but also the next. When you think for yourself you are also tasked with keeping other people from thinking for you. True and introspective self determination requires a hyper-vigilance that is not easily maintained. My desired personality is a well designed machine, and my natural attributes escape as byproducts of clash between personality and desire. The combustion of those things create a existential substance I have yet to figure out how to properly dispose of. There is an array of emotions and feelings that escapes like smoke from every pore in my body and varies like the Endless family created by the fabulous Mr. Neil Gaiman.
I look at these feelings rising up around me and I process them as best I can. I wrestle with them. I lose to them and sometimes I beat them.
I have a sharp tongue and a wicked wit. I have a hot temper and I'm prone to hold grudges. I offer forgiveness before I've healed from a wrong. When my heart has been damaged it heals in stone lines not skin, making it ever more difficult to access.
It is my hope that by projecting the image of who I want to be I will speak that person into existence. She won't be second nature, she will be first and only nature. I am already well aware that chaos and creation are both sides of the same coin. You can only hate someone if you have some feelings for them in the first place. Love makes us better and hate is a useless emotion. I am brave enough to look at myself see my faults and address them head on. I'm not afraid to be with the person I'm creating and I am working on not judging others because they aren't ready to do the same.
In times of deep and stoic sadness I have looked up from the bottom of what I thought was endless loathing and found there are still depths to go. With the realization that there is more that can go wrong I am confronted with all that can go right. I am soothed by my unwavering sense of self. I am confident in my belief in my own rightness and I am dedicated to the path that I have drawn for myself. I see that as long as I have a beating heart there is blood in my legs and I can use them to walk with honor. I aim move in grace. I fight to be good and I pray that my regrets will be few.
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~Winnie the Pooh
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