Chris "I'm having a flare up. I'm in pain. My life sucks. I woke up deaf the other day. Sometimes I can't see well. My feet are swollen and I'm like Rick Ross fat."
X:
Chris: "Um. . . but. . .what about my TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS?!??!"
X: "Seriously. It's a downer. I mean I know you try to make a joke out of it but at some point talking about your Lupus flare up really is kind of. . . depressing."
Oh wait. You don't want to listen to me whine? Oh. ** swan dives dramatically off pillow top mattress**
Well. Damn. Oh wait I PAY someone to listen to me. Why am I trying to get people to do it for free?
** throws a bucket of cold water on my own face**
It's been five years since I was diagnosed with Lupus and the reality of living with a disease that consumes your body and seeks to consume your mind is a constant carnival of new experiences. The honest truth is that people care about me but they don't need to know every little development in the war of terror my body is raging against me. People want to know I'm doing well. But the reality of the situation is that there are only so many updates on bloating, swelling, shortness of breath, blood clots, headaches, joint pain, rashes, and temporary blindness/deafness a person can take before they are just. . .not interested anymore. ** looks around to the sound of crickets** ** feels my own fat settling on my back **
It's not that people aren't interested but they can't DO anything about it so they can't tolerate hearing about it. In recent weeks I have begun to give some updates because I'm SO amazed by the shit by body has thrown on me. I find it utterly comical but I realize not everyone finds it so. But then I remember this isn't everyone's business or battle. This is my tale.
When (with a big L) first noticed as a disease it was given it's name because the rash that was common to people with the disease made them look like wolves.
I have always been drawn to the fantastic and the impossible. I have always had an affinity for the improbable.
The advent of the Science Fiction channel was like a specific boon sent directly from the gods to my television set.
During these times I can look to these things and find solace in the improbable because at one time my survival was improbable. All the progress we've made was made by people who ruled out the impossible and made it possible. Fantasies and dreams are the fuel of the future.
But seeing into the future is only possible when you aren't blinded by the limitations of the present. Focusing on what I cannot do is exactly what will prevent me from accomplishing what I am capable of doing. If I do need to wallow I can do that with some Muddy Waters, Ruthie Foster, Blind Willie, or anything from the Stax Volt. I can start a "bitch" journal and write until my heart is content. I can turn of my phone and sleep until I wake up with perspective. I can hit up iTunes U and learn something new. I can buy a coloring book and put those colored pencils to work. I have about 50 books I need to read. I have Comcast on demand and Netflix instant view. I am not hungry or exposed to the elements. Perspective. I have this blank pallet in front of me with endless opportunities in front of me and as long as I remember that these hard days are temporary I can paint whatever picture my heart desires. The point is there's a time for sadness because without it I could not cherish the happy days. But when that sadness has ended it's time for the FANTASTIC. I am bubbling with fantastic and I believe in the possibility of myself.
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