Boarderline

“Lay my head on the railroad line. Train come along; pacify my mind. ”

― Toni Morrison, Beloved

                             I have been really focused lately on all the things that I don’t have. 

I keep thinking about how Lupus

has robbed me of things I should have. Every time my friends reach normal milestones I look at their lives and while I am happy for them I also fall into despair for myself because I do not fit the imagine of who I thought I would be at this point in my life.

Part of the image I have of my self was formed by my on thoughts and desires but also the hopes and dreams of the elders around me.  I don’t want to disappoint those who have worked and sacrificed for me. I have a deep sense of duty that runs through my veins and wakes me up in the morning.

Now I’m at a point where I have to compare who I thought I was going to be, from the person I am, from the person I want to be. At this point in my life. My life. Right here right now. After thinking about it I finally thought what have I lost? What was I promised?

The answer---absolutely nothing. I wasn’t born to wealth. I am not an heir. I worked damned hard for everything I have and I’ll continue to work for everything I ever get. A lot of luck is involved in success and successful people should very well realize that. If they don’t they are overly self indulged and foolish. Luck is health. Luck is working limbs. Luck is sight and the ability to walk. Luck is good nutrition and good schools. Some of us are born more lucky than others.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that the image I had for my life is not going to come to fruition in exactly the manner I thought it would. I am now at a crossroads.

 Do I go forth with no image for my future or do I make new plans.

 I’ve decided that I can make vague plans and work towards reaching them. I can have plans but I don’t have to be shackled to the end results. I no longer have to fit a mold of my own making. I reach for a dream that changes and conforms to my situation. I can be proud of any progress I make and I can remain humble in the process. Lupus has given me an abundant amount of humility, but it has also taught me a lot about persistence. I’ll keep persisting. I’ll keep trying. I’ll wake up every day and I’ll take one breath after another.